Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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