Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
