look no pants
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
