Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
