i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
