Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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