Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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