The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
