Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
