When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
