Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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