...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
