This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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