Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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