i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
