i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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