To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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