If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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