So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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