My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
