Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
