I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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