I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
