The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
