I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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