I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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