My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
