Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
no, he came in my armpit
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the day after is always just damage control
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
