We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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