the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
please come you make the beer taste better
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
