If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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