I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
