That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
