YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
