bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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