Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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