nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
