I'm lost and stupid without you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
