She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
