There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
