i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
