just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've blown a few things in my day
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
