i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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