grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Congratulations! We have a period
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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