dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
