for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I want a musical about memes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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