you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
