If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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