Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
