ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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