I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
