my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize