There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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