yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
