after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
