we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
