I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
