if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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